Driving Miss Crazy

My New England parents never owned a car until I was nineteen-years old. We walked or rode a city bus anywhere we had to go, and my dream, from the time I was a preteen until I passed my third attempt at a driving test, was to drive. From that day on, I learned to be an assertive (okay, aggressive) driver, and I learned from the best. Boston drivers (all time worst), Washington D.C drivers (contenders but chumps compared to Bostonians,) New England Turnpike drivers (ah! Route 95 - the dead zone) and New York City drivers (not much to add there) all did their worst to train rookies like me to "straighten up and fly right."

Most Northerners learned how to drive similarly, with attitudes varying from determined, to forceful, to hostile - ranging there from coercive, to a state of down right serious road-rage. But all of us learned one main rule that helped us survive the chaos. We knew every driver in front of us, in back of us, or to the left or right of us would do everything in his power to get ahead of the next guy. There was a stabilizing order to this disorder. Nothing tricky to figure out - just basic racing instinct, and it always worked. It was a high-speed dance on wheels that the majority of us learn to handle, and some of us even enjoy.

But, since I moved to the south almost twenty years ago, I have learned that the only thing you can expect down here is the unexplained unexpected, and I list, from the least annoying traffic practice, to the most mind-bending habits of the average Southern driver below:

1. No one knows how to drive in the snow, or back out of his driveway in bad weather, or so they say. A quarter of an inch of flurries will shut down an entire city work force and county school system, but somehow most everyone can make it to the mall.

2. A driver waiting at a stop sign will not pull out in front of an oncoming vehicle obviously planning on taking a right turn. You may have clearly turned on your right-hand signal only twenty-five feet ahead of the turn, and visibly slowed up to make that right-hand turn, but don't even offer the courtesy. The waiting vehicle will not trust a blinking turn signal. You are there to trick him, and purposely crash your nice new car into his 1989 pick-up truck, and don't think he doesn't know it.

3. No driver pulling up to a four-way stop sign, at the same time another vehicle pulls up, will make any first move to pull out. "The driver on the right always has the right of way" statute apparently is an unheard of rule here. Please refer to the assumption above that they know you are there to hit and harm their vehicle.

4. The first driver, at a green light waiting for oncoming traffic to clear in order to take a left turn, will not move up for any reason under the light - either to allow the next vehicle in back to get close enough to also take a left turn, or perhaps, to maneuver around the first car to continue straight ahead. Instead he will remain at the prescribed line he was originally compelled to stop at before the light turned green. You can plan on sitting through as many green lights as it takes, to allow the first car in line to feel completely safe that no car could possibly be visible from the oncoming direction.

5. Those drivers coming down the interstate highways in the slow lane, will not move over to the second, third or fourth lanes to allow you to move in from the entrance ramp. You are on your own to find a happy spot in the break-down lane, or stop dead in your tracks, while other drivers in back of you, who may not have noticed that you are stopped, are also trying to get onto the highway. Dicey, to put it mildly, but don't bother to get upset. They really don't know you exist.

6. Possibly the most annoying habit the Southern driver displays is to put his brakes on while approaching a green light. Is the driver hoping for a red light? Is he afraid of a yellow light likelihood? Down here, green means slow down. Okay, but then what the heck does yellow mean?

I've tried to adapt. I've really tried, but none of this makes any sense to me. How do I cope? I don't do drugs, and I can't drink and drive. So, what's left to sooth my "assertive" driving psyche - carb addiction. Carbs! - gotta have carbs, or maybe a southern chauffeur.

Recipe
Potato-Bacon Hash

Ingredients:
6 slices bacon
1 1/2 pounds Yukon gold potatoes, washed and cut into small chunks
1 bunch scallions, white and green parts
2 garlic cloves, minced
salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

Directions:
In a heavy skillet, cook the bacon until crisp. Remove to paper towel-lined plate.

Remove all but 1 tablespoon of the fat and return the pan to high heat.

Add the potatoes, white scallions, garlic, salt, pepper, and 1/4 cup water. Bring to a boil.

Cover, reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer until the potatoes are just tender, 8 to 10 minutes.

Add the bacon, broken into pieces. Cook, stirring occasionally, for about 10 minutes more.

Remove from heat, garnish with the green scallions, and serve.

Thought
The pace here is slower and nicer, but for those of us Type-A Northerners, born in the fast lane, it is a lesson in patience and humility. You might never change your driving methods in this strange and wonderful land, but neither will they.